were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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