I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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