I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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