Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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