Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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