Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Randomize
