I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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