I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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