glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
