The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
