new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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