My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
