my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
