sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
