Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
