someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
