Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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