when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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