So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
