Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
