I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
