in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
