I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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