I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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