Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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