Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
