this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
