I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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