All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
