So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
