it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
