frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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