Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
