No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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