I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
