your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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