i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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