You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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