1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
if only i could text you this smell
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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