I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
