He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
