did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
