I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
