I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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