this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
