nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
