My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
