I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
