So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
