I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Please, let me fuck your mom
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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