The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
