So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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