my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
