u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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