Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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