The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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