So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
