Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
