This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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