I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
